Disclaimer- writing about issues such as sexual harassment and gender inequality has become so controversial and difficult to discuss I think because of the fear of being misunderstood, as well as it being extremely sensitive a topic. Nevertheless, I believe no matter how controversial or sensitive the topic, people must endeavour to explore them in order to universally conceptualise solutions. Men and or women are never to blame in particular, it is only ever those 'people' who commit such 'unspeakable' acts or believe we should ignore sexual harassment and or encourage society to ignore it that creates this 'rape culture' we hear all too often these days.
Men and women both face abuse, in many different ways. Sexual assaults happen to men, women and children of all ages- and is currently happening right now all across the world. This topic is regularly brought up by women because of the long standing historical sexual subjugation they have suffered. This is not to diminish any abuse of this kind made against men or boys. Abuse in general is abhorrent and crimes of this kind is especially sadistic in my opinion. In no way am I saying men are to blame for all these crimes, I can only shed light on the topic from my own experiences.
I will not explain all the different sexual harassment/abuse scenarios that have occurred to me. This I do not believe to be necessary for my point to be understood but I respect that others may wish to discuss their own experiences. What I want to highlight is that there is still daily subjugation of this kind to females (from my experience- I believe this to be true). I don't know whether to be thankful that this type of public harassment did not start until I hit puberty (as many girls and boys are abused in some form before this point) or ashamed that I am thankful at all. From my experience, many girls and women I talk to have experienced catcalling, unwanted public groping/touching, sexual harassment in the workplace etc etc. When these topics are discussed with my male peers- they either agree that this is a horrid common occurrence, argue that this is not just a female issue (yes, it is a universal issue that affects all of humankind) or more often than not they are shocked that these occurrences happen so often in the first place. The shock is what gets me the most- that so many people do not realise or acknowledge the daily struggle of others (whether that be males or females).
When I first told my father that I had been flashed around my neighbourhood- his first question was about what I was wearing. I was confused and explained that it was a baggy top and trackies. I did not know to explain to him back then to never ask such a question. He had a hard time of understanding why men seemed to stare or provoke women and girls if they had been fully covered. He is a very strict and somewhat traditional man when it comes to female attire and would constantly shame me for the clothes I chose to wear while visiting him in Singapore. As soon as girls hit puberty (or even before that for some) they are made to feel ashamed of their bodies and told to cover up in order to protect themselves. To men and women alike, I want them to know it is never about what that victim was wearing or doing at the time they were provoked. I can undoubtedly say that my experiences with these situations have (equally) happened both when I was covered and not as covered. It is only ever about the man, woman or child who becomes sexually aggressive or domineering to a non consenting child and or adult. During my first experience in a workplace at 17 (at my father's work), I witnessed discriminatory harassment onto a homosexual co-worker. In turn, I experienced verbal sexual harassment whilst there. I was not educated in how to deal with such situations and was thus inevitably intimidated by the status of this individual. I could only deal with the comments and uncomfortable 'chats' with my wit through comebacks, jokes and sly rebukes. I later told my father (albeit I left out the graphic words which were used) , to which he replied 'that's just kind of how he is- he's an arsehole...just don't get angry, its all work banter'. This may have been playful or humorous to those unaffected but not to those who were targeted. Too often workplace harassment is ignored or tolerated in efforts not to get 'into trouble' but in allowing it to continue is accepting a culture I do not want to be any part of.
I realise more now that many of these past experiences of sexual harassment made me become quite harsh and cold to others who shared similar experiences and wanted to react to them in ways I did not like- some would become quiet, shy, fearful, upset or extremely verbal online about it. I thought that the only way to react to such experiences was to either get angry and confrontational in the moment-if they were being aggressive then why shouldn't I?, laugh it off and at them-ridiculing perverts somehow reinforced I was stronger than them, or to not react at all-ignoring them only helped when I was with others and did not want to put on any show, but the following feeling of crushing subordinance from this reaction would leave me rather regretful I did not stand up against it. I still react in these ways but I no longer judge others for how they choose to react to their experiences, with the exception of if they react with self pity or victimization onto themself. Personally, taking charge will always trump wallowing over it. I would be frustrated with friends who would tell me that they would remain quiet, awkward and in fear- it felt like all the men who had ever harassed me and them had won. It took me a long time to realise that I should not be frustrated with them but with society for making them feel that they had to react this way. Children, men and women need to be conditioned to speak freely about abuses they experience and never remain quiet or afraid if it happens to you. That was my mistake once and I never want to feel so afraid and objectified again. Societal changes must be made. Changes as little as not forcing your child to kiss or hug a family member when that child obviously does not want to- I still remember the uneasy feeling of self-consciousness that would wash over my red face as I would plant an anxious kiss on a distant family member's cheek. It was as if because I was a child I did not have rights or autonomy over myself if an adult wanted me to do something that I felt apprehensive about. This teaches children their bodies are not their own and they must endure feeling uncomfortable if an adult expects something even as small as a hug from them.
In the UK, sex education is extremely lacking, especially when it comes to how to respond to unwanted sexual advances. My only form of institutional education on the matter happened for one hour in my catholic high school Saint Augustine's Priory. Protection, consent, the law and respect were just some of the crucial topics that were left out of this talk. I could do a whole rant over the lack of proper sex education in schools, especially in religious schools...but that's a whole other blog. Education starts with children but it should also extend to adults. Parents need not scare their children into being afraid of strangers, but strengthen their voices in standing up against injustice done onto them or others. In terms of the law, it is frightening to see some people have measly sentences for their sexual crimes, or the blaming of victims of such abuse/harassment in the judiciary system. Once a criminal is brought to justice, it does not end there. If possible, there should be adequate rehabilitation and therapy outlets for them in order for them to become a more conscientious person. I believe some people can change if they realise all their wrongs and wish to change. Currently, there is no established therapy or rehab for non-offending paedophiles (as an example). If a person is a threat to society, they need to be away from society and taught how to change their ways (even if they are not fit to be a part of society anymore).
As I grow older, it has become more and more difficult to ignore and laugh such occurrences off. I think of the many children each day who go through these situations. I think of my young self who often did not know how to adequately and sensibly confront these issues, and as a result has left me with a deep and uncontrollable burning anger towards any man or woman who feels so entitled to another person as to harass or abuse them. All around the world, people of all genders and ages are experiencing such situations. Educating children and adults about the various forms of harassment, the differences between appropriate and inappropriate behaviours and how to handle these cases if you see something or it happens to you is the only way we can prevent such occurrences. I have never been taught how to deal with these situations but perhaps if I had as a child, I would have found the confidence to have a voice and deal with the case more sensibly. I am saddened by the thought that my potential child may have to deal with being catcalled everyday while walking to school in their uniform, as I did. Or being sexually abused on the tube, as my friend did. Or feel ashamed by their body because it is constantly objectified by strangers, as many have felt. I just hope that one day with intense and established sexual education and reform of the justice system (longer punishments and intense rehabilitation/education is required) we can all feel safer, more equal and more united against such crimes against humanity.
xx
